I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
