You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
