in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
