Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
