How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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