so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
