im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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