fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
