she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
