all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
