I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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