You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
