I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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