DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
