don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
