I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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