If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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