god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
