Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
