she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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