What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
