I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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