I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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