my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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