Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
