Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
