I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
