why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
