if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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