is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
