There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
