his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize