Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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