Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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