I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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