So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
