Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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