Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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