I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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