yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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