I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
