I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
