remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
