Where did you get a picture of my penis
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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