its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize