Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
