I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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