your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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