I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
