my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
