Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
