He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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