I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
