I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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