I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
