By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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