I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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