paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
