My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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