I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
