I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
