When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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