dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
