Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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