i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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