is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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