I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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