I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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