Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it glows. i had to have it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
