i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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